I was thinking about an early blog ( A Simple Pair of Glasses.) I posted earlier about my parents. Today I was reflecting on the feelings that arise when I do. Especially, when my father was referred to my mother as his princess. The reason why he spent so much money on pink glasses that she really wanted. How he couldn’t say no to his princess. When I think about that experience with my dad, and I remember seeing the love in his eyes, and how his voice changes when he talks about her.
Other times when my dad is reflecting on his life with “his princess”, my father describes her as an extremely intelligent and very resourceful woman. He also admitted that at times she really did frighten him too. He liked that she could put him in his place at times, it kept him in check. It just made him love her more. She was his best friend, his lover, and the mother of his children. The best family he ever had. They understood each other’s needs and did their best to provide for each other the best they could. I can’t get the image of my mom holding my father’s face in her final hours she was alive. How all that Dad wanted to do is hold her hand, and be there with her until the end. It was heartbreaking to see the love my parents had for each other and seeing the last chapter of their life together unfold.
I wish and hope all the time that someone will come along and love me as my parents had for each other and more. Will I ever be someone’s princess? I have been feeling pretty lonely these days, myself. I am constantly thinking about my failed marriage and many relationships I have had over the years. I miss the closeness of a warm body in bed beside me. Laughing in bed or something silly that happened earlier in the day. I miss that feeling of kissing my guy goodbye in the morning when he is off to work or somewhere he had to be. I miss being that supportive partner that just wants to comfort him when something is bothering him. I just want to be the one to help him over it and maybe put a smile on his face again.
I think of this picture when I think of my past relationships. How I love that my guy can feel safe in my arms and me how I can be supportive when he lets me. I can be strong when he is weak, and vice-versa.
I have been alone for quite a while, now I am scared of sharing my life again. But I miss the closeness of an intimate relationship. I fear it and want it all at the same time. I am broken, I understand that. I don’t want to mother a man or have him father me. I want to be strong for my guy and be able to be soft and feminine, and vulnerable with him too. It shouldn’t be a power struggle just a supportive with just one man. I do want to grow old with my best friend as my parents did. I just want the respect my father had for his princess (my mother ) in my new man. I am aware that my parents had issues, and problems but they obviously loved each other and tried to be there for each other until the end. I want that too.
When my dad talked about his princess, he was trying to convey that she was the most precious thing in his world, and he loved making her feel as special and wonderful as she made me feel all the time. I am always looking for my prince, I know he is out there. I not going to rush into a relationship, my next love will gain my trust and be a friend first. I am just being careful and not just gonna settle for anyone.
I just wanna be someone’s special princess, and he would be my prince. <3