Started: May 24, 2019
I have been feeling on top of the world these past few months. Taking classes and doing lots of art, going for walks.. taking to friends. Feeling normal is so rewarding. You get so much done. I have been relatively happy for so long, I have been taking my medication regularly, and sleeping less and eating better, doing all the right things. I even sent out a few resumes for full-time work. Planning out normal things that come with being normal. Having a job, owning a car, being about to afford a house, buying my kids things, making plans to get together with loved ones and friends. Then bang, here I am.
Last night, while lying in bed, I felt like was having trouble breathing, I also felt like my heart was pounding so hard in my chest that I thought it was going to burst. I curled up in the bed and pressed the pillow really hard into my stomach that was jumping like crazy. All the normal thoughts went through my mind. What brought this on? What happened, why am I feeling this way, talk to my pain, and make it go away. Deep breathing, being in the moment, listening to my breathing, The funny thing about feeling this way, it doesn’t help.
I did have a few hard conversations with my kids earlier in the evening, but I know it wasn’t that, my kids are pretty wonderful. I love that they can speak their minds and talk to me even if they are mad at me. I quickly went over all the recent things that have happened and tried to figure out what I did to bring this on. It did keep me up for a few hours. What I always fail to remember is that really nothing brings on these feelings, my body just likes to go into these modes when it feels like it. It is a mental illness, and not something I have any control over.
I slept almost the whole day today, my chest hurts so much, that I wanna cry, my thoughts are muddy, I can’t hold anything, or do anything the requires thought. That includes making a sandwich, tea or wandering into the bathroom to remember why I went there in the first place. This could last for along as 3 days. to weeks or months. What hurts the most is that people were just getting used to me returning phone calls, hanging out, and being back in the land of the living. As I write this the pain is really unbearable, it makes me cry. I find myself telling people I am fine. but not really. I am in pain. It hurts and I grieve about losing at life again. Walking to my computer, and just a few steps to the kitchen is so painful. I feel like I am walking with a rope around my neck. Another pleasant thing is the dizzy feeling I get when I stand up. I have found myself on the floor a few times, that is always fun.
Sadness isn’t really how to explain this feeling that creeps over me occasionally. It more like dread, a grey void that I know isn’t real. It a real struggle to explain the loss of not feeling anything but pain. I don’t care about anything or anyone, just that great void that consumes me. I find myself grieving over all the time lost, that I could be working on my art, hanging out with my friends, and being productive again. What I worry about the most is that I will get stuck here again, for years like before. I literally slept for 2 years, it felt like anyways. Heavily medicated and out of my mind with fuzzy thoughts, and waking moments. God, I missed so much of my kids’ lives during that time. I felt robbed.
It is funny, the things people say to me when I try to explain living with this affliction. People say “but you seem to be so happy all the time, or it is all in your head. Just get up and do things. Stop being lazy. ” OMG, it is not helpful saying things it mostly just makes things worse. A lot of the time I find myself wishing that I had a physical illness that people could see. So they would understand that this is real. I have no idea when it is going to take over, or when it will go away. All I hope for is understanding that when I feel better, people will still love me, and be will still be there.
Updated: Feb 02, 2020
I tell myself not to post things like this, but I think it needs to be done. You see I sometimes find myself reading about other people who are brave enough to post their experiences. It makes me feel less lonely, and I hope my post will do the same for others. I hope to write more, as I get braver.
I can feel myself slipping back into a depression, the usual signs are there. Not focusing on things, not feeling joy with my normal loves, ART, music, video games. I feel the noise that comes to my head that says, your lazy, your nobody you are worthless. Do something, as I said earlier, the things that people say to me are always running through my head, and are much harsher coming from myself than anyone else. So that is a constant battle to have more lighthearted thoughts is ever-present.
However, I am working on it. I will keep you posted.