I went to lunch with an old lover/friend. I looked into his face and saw all the wonderful things. That I loved and appreciated him. The curves on his face, the way he smiled. The comfortable feeling I had when I was around him. We talked about the things that we experienced other the years and things we did together all those years ago.
As I walked away after a brief embrace, I felt so sad. I remembered the things we used to do and the way I felt. When I was around him. Mostly, I remember the pain he caused all those years ago. The sharp pain I felt when he broke my heart, Although I truly forgave him, it is hard because this man really hurt me, much like those before him. He will not be the last.
Stepping off the curb, after the light changed. I smelled the fresh rain that fell around me. I was feeling a bit sad. I asked myself why went for lunch with him in the first place. To be honest, I was thinking about him for several weeks and had been curious to know how he was doing. My calendar reminded me that it was soon his birthday. I was going to text him hello and thought the better of it. He should remain in the past where he belongs. So I did not. Then he texted me. Asking me out to lunch, like he read my mind. So off I went.
As I reflected.. on our lunch together, my heart ached for all the past relationships that had. How it ended up with us parting ways. I really try to forget things that happened in my past relationships. Or hold onto these things, I do my best to understand my lovers are just as human as I am. We all make mistakes. It is part of growing and learning we all have to learn. It is something I went through too and I am a slightly different person than I was when we were together. They will always be a part of my life story, as I am theirs.
I felt the sadness creep over me, and the rain felt like it was affecting my mood of the past. Knowing this I shifted my feelings to my future and what I wanted in a new relationship as I move forward in my life.
I am a passionate person, I feel things, and sometimes overreact more than others, and I take medication for that. I understand that my head is a mess, and I am dealing with it the best I can. As always. All I want is honesty and trust, and a safe place to be, myself.
What I value most in life are quiet moments for me to reflect and digest things and moments that are meaningful to me. Which mainly, how I feel about myself, and who I am. I am always ever-changing, but some things still remain the same. I love the human mind. The way people perceive things differently is beautiful and allows us all to be cognizant, of each other with respect and love.
So with a new person in my life, they have to understand that I need my own personal space. I do not need to be around you all the time. I want you to feel free to continue to enjoy the life that you enjoyed before you met me, the friends, family hobbies, and the things that bring you joy before you decided to share them with me. I will never want to control you and be your warden. I respect that your needs are different than mine, and I love and respect that, as much as you do with mine.
I never want anyone to feel judged around me, and I want people to feel the love that I can’t sometimes feel for myself. People make mistakes, I get that. It is always up to me if I can have the right to decide if the things that affected me personally, will be something I was willing to put up with.
New relationships are harder for me to get into the older I get. The past does hurt me at times. I have to move forward, and I still, have a lot of healing to do. I only want someone around me at this point in my life that can accept all the ugliness and pain I carry with me all the time. To not heal me, but to understand that my heart is still strong, and I have the ability to love you with it with all of it.
Once you become a part of my life, I always want to know your thoughts on past relationships are ok. I want you to share them with me. I believe that your past makes you the person you are today, and I am just happy that you want to share your memories, and trust me with them. I just want to be part of your story, and hopefully, be that someone who will be with you for the rest of your life.
When I do fall in love with you, I will turn a blind eye to your main faults and quirks. I will try to not let your emotions get the better of me, especially when they have nothing to do with me. Although you mean the most to me, I always, feel your pain like my own and do my best to help you feel them and feel safe enough around me to have them.
All I want is for both of us to be in a safe place to share our thoughts, emotions and stupid moments that make us human. I will always be there for you when you need to be understood for the things you want to share with me, and not be judged. Of course, if the things you are sharing you know will hurt me, will hurt me. My first instinct will always be to make your pain go away and then deal with mine. Afterwards, I will handle what I am feeling and need time alone to work on my own. After I do this, I will revisit these emotions with you to seek answers I myself don’t understand to heal. I also hope to have your support and understanding, for me as I had with you.
I will need my new love to understand. I fear things, that sometimes are not rational. I experienced violence, in my past and it affects me more than you think. You might express frustration with a quick movement, like punching the air, shouting your frustrations, and even throwing things. I will always jump and instantly become afraid, even if there is no reason to.
I will not put up with anyone threatening me or breaking things that I love, or controlling behaviours. I can let it go along as it doesn’t physically hurt me, or make me feel smaller than you. These will eventually will chip away at my trust and feelings for you, and if it becomes too much for me to handle will walk away.
I will get angry with you too, I can be vicious and cruel at times, and I will need you to be able to express yourself and remind me that you have boundaries and I should respect them as well. If I do not back down, or when it is obvious, I am not going to. The most loving thing, we can do for both of us. Is asking me to stop, demanding I go for a walk, calm down, or walk away from me. You should never have to put up with my bullshit either. Saying I love you sometimes means taking a time out.
I will expect you to be faithful. Sexually, I mean. So if I share my body with you, please respect that the risks you take with your body will greatly affect mine. I am talking about sexually transmitted diseases. I will not let your decisions cause my physical health to be cut short by your actions. Your body is a part of mine, and I will selflessly, want it to be mine to pleasure and intimately share with only me. I expect the same of you because I would never share mine with anyone else but you.
So please come to me when you have to share your thoughts good or bad, and never be afraid to be yourself around me. Or I with you. I will always remain faithful and in love with you. With me once I made up my stubborn mind to be with you. It will be a life of love and understanding always.
I will wait patiently and actively look for you, and when I do, know that I will want it to be forever. I hope we meet soon.
With love,
Rachel
