Quiet Thoughts from the Past

This was written on May 12, 2015 12:57 PM

Coffee Man

I used to keep a journal about the random thoughts in my head that would repeat like loops in my mind.  It would and could drive me crazy if it would let it. Things like.  I should write those stories that I have always wanted to write since I was 8 years old. I should draw more; I should look for a job, something I can do from home.  That is something I really want, I can do several things.  Website Design, Blogging, resumes, and even make graphics.  I just don’t know how to market myself.  I am not good at selling myself.  I have a great desire to help people, but no desire to get paid for it. 

These days, I have been thinking a lot about relationships I have had with men, and people I professed my love to, and still keep close to my heart and love to hear from all the time.  When I find myself in love with someone; It is usually really about the things I love about that person I wish that I was more like.  Examples, things like always happy, love for life, confidence, Intelligence, and a go-getter attitude.  It never has been about looks, or what they have.  It is always about whom they are, how many personal beliefs that he lives by and the fact that they know what they are, and accept it fully.  Unlike me, however, I always think I am willing to change and grow, all the time.  I like who I am but I can always improve.  It is hard when you are changing habits that have been part of my life for 45 years.

Well, my last relationship was hard to me to realize that it was over; he was always unhappy and complained a lot of my shortcomings.  I listened really hard for the nice things he loved about me and it was so little.  I realized that I meant less to him than he did to me.  I never tried to waste someone’s time, if I can’t love them with all my heart.  Why does he waste mine?  So, with a very heavy heart, I had to let him go.  He truly didn’t love me, and I deserve better.  I want someone to light up when I call, smile when I am laughing, cry with me, and cheer me up when I am down.  To be that one person in the world they can count on.   I am looking for someone to love and grow with me.

My mother died in January, and I still can’t believe it.  She didn’t know she was going, and neither did any of us.  It was so fast; mom hasn’t been well for years.  She was housebound, and always tired or out of breath.  She kept telling me she didn’t know how much more time she had.  I just didn’t want to hear it.  She was afraid all the time, and I told her I understand.  But frankly, I didn’t to me death is a reward for those who lived a full life and a way to escape the pain that is in this world.  Mom’s life was full of love, for her children, her husband and all the animals that she housed and cared for.  Mom always took time to talk on the phone with all her children and knew more stuff about us than we ever knew about ourselves.  I hated it when she said, “You never listen to me anyway, why do even I bother?”  And “You keep saying that but you do anything about it?”  I smile when I think of these words because I can hear the exasperation in her voice.  I had to remind her that sometimes her advice works for me and sometimes it doesn’t… But I always value and respect her insight and suggestions.  I am a woman of today, because of the thousands of conversations with my mother.

Well, back to the relationships I have today.  I think about my parents’ relationship with each other.  They fought, they made up.  They may not always like what each other did or said. But they always said, Respect your mother or your father, he is what he is. And I love him for it.  (Or “Vica Versa”).  Well, my mother died, and it wasn’t easy.  My father was there for the whole journey, to hold her hand, to talk to her and love her until her last breath.  My eldest sister Sherri was there too, to help my father too.  But that is what I want in my life, someone to be there for me, good bad or even ugly.

Dad, you raised the bar with me, and who I am going to love and who deserves to see the best in me and the worst.   You gave a lot to my mother and your family that you created together.  I love that you are happy when you should be sad; you get angry but never stay that way for long.  You always have something nice to say, about everyone.  I try to be more like you whenever I can.  I respect that you are always trying to learn new things, build new things, and keep yourself busy.  When I find myself getting low, and finding my life getting restless, I ask myself.  What would dad do?  And then I get up and do something different or challenging.  This helps me keep the random thoughts away.

A family is important, and so are the relationships you keep.  Make them worth something, because they to me are worth more than gold.

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