Reading over my old blogs, there are tons of questions and very little answers. During that time of my life, I felt totally alone and lost. I cling to the hope that my life would get better and my anxiety would go away. I desperately wanted to know that my mental health would improve and I would get my old life back. Unbeknownst to me, it will never be the same.
I wanted to blog about my feelings, put them out into the world and see what others thought, instead of holding it all inside and being brave. Well, I am not that brave. I think to post my feelings after the fact is sad really. I was just tired of bottling up my feelings and trying to figure them out myself. I think really that is why I get so sick with anxiety and worry. Hence this blog. Trying to share more with the world, after it has given me so much.
I live with Anxiety to this day, I feel pain all the time. I sometimes can’t breathe, or hold even a pencil or type on my computer. Most days, I spend fighting off the negative thoughts that I know aren’t true, and sleeping to get away from them. I try to be happy but it is a struggle, and I deal with it the best I can. I will write more about it later.
I talked about a job, I had for a short 6 months, it was not a good job for me. I was let go, I am sure it was because of personality differences and budget. Rushing back to work after a difficult experience as I had wasn’t a good idea, I needed time to heal and recover. I gave all I had to the organization, and at that time I was running at 40 percent I am sure. I did my best and for that, I am proud of the work I did.
I will forever be grateful to Mark, my children and my dear friends… for a time in my life that I really didn’t wish I experienced. I think Mark, although, our fighting, and was a growing pain, I had to experience. Thinking about how much I needed him, and how much he tried. I am happy with the time we had together, and I will always have fond memories. I am looking forward to meeting someone new and falling in love all over again. I would like to think that Mark is happy, and found someone nice to fall in love with. I wish him all the happiness in the world.
My blogs are always written at night when I am quiet and full of reflection. I will write more about the more interesting thoughts, I have in the future. Unlike this one, they will not always be so vague. I am still dealing with this stuff, and although it is old, it still feels fresh. Time to move on, I think. More than 10 years later seems like a good time. Ya think?
