Old posted I found while cleaning my computer, I think it was nice to post them.  They contain my thoughts and feelings, no harm is intended for anyone mentioned in them.

Calling all Angels…

Originally Posted on Tuesday, February 27, 2007 – 12:34 pm (EST)

I am so depressed, I can’t eat, want to sleep a lot and wish I could feel good about myself.
Mark and I are fighting a lot, and he moved to his mother’s house. It is all I can do to keep myself motivated to do something, anything. I mean anything productive.

Well, I could use some support from friends. Someone to talk to about me. I could use a good cry…. Whaa….

Rachel

Man.. the pain…

Originally Posted on Sunday, March 4, 2007 – 07:44 pm (EST)

I had a huge pain in my chest earlier today. It went on for about 15 minutes. I had gas before but this was so bad I was sure I was having a heart attack.

I think it was anxiety. I had my hands hurt before, and this is bad. I started to cry and I haven’t stopped until I feel asleep. My poor kids are left to fend for themselves.

Well, this picture was taken yesterday, before I went to Play Lazer Quest, I played under the name of PinkMomma. I was ranked 29 in the first round and 14 in the second… what a ball… I was shooting little children and loving it. You should hear the laughter from them it is so contagious. Smile 🙂

The Breakup—Is this it

Originally Posted – Sunday March 11, 2007 – 01:46pm (EDT) Edit 

Well, it is official Mark left me. His reasons are real and sound. He can’t stand all the emotional baggage that I carry.

My daughter, who lives with me, is a typical teenager. She is loud, lazy and very messy. My x-husband is  unrelenting with his constant ill-treatment of the children, and his surprises that totally stress me out. My recent  job loss for being a not a good fit was additional stress I did not need.

At the end of this month, my assault trial is up and I am not sleeping again. It is all I can do to force myself to  sleep, so I am back to taking my medication that relaxes me and numbs my brain enough so that I can sleep.

Kinda like my favourite Pink Floyd Song, comfortably numb.
I am just hoping someone somewhere will give me a break. I have a break coming; I just got a temporary job  working on someone’s website remotely from home. I am so happy, I don’t have to leave the house and I can lose myself with my programming, and not have to think.

Well, when I am not crying, I am not sleeping, when I am doing neither, I am missing Mark a lot. There are times I hate him too. He was so cruel so angry, who does that to someone who supposedly loved you for 2.5 years? I could never be like that. Well, I hope I was never like that. Yes, I have broken up with lovers, boyfriends, and even a husband. I always tried to give reasons and tried to make sure the person’s worth was still intact. However, this guy made me feel like everything I am is worthless,

However, this guy made me feel like everything I am is worthless, my children, my family, my friends and even my future. Funny thing is that I believe him. Sad huh? I try not to believe him but what do I have going for me right now, no income. That is because my stupid ole job has not answered EI’s questions. I will have to apply for welfare soon. Lord help me.

Well, I hope this updated you guys on how I am feeling. I have been watching movies and playing on my computer, I am not eating, I just cry and watch TV, cry and drink tea.

Sorry but this is how I am handling things these days.
Rachel.
Aka Ltdarling

Mark and I are talking…

Originally Posted on Saturday, April 7, 2007 – 06:20 pm (EDT)

However, he is no rush to move home…. I miss him daily… and my heart hurts…
Am I really that hard to be in love with???? Sigh.. I just thought I would give yall and update… sorry it took so long..I am busy doing nothing…

It is not denial I m just very selective about the reality I accept.

Updating Stupid Sites

Originally Posted on Tuesday, February 5, 2008 – 03:03 pm (EST)

Hi, guys…just wanted to say hello…

I am happy and in love with Mark..we are together. I am not working and have been looking for work…

I would love to tell you about World of Warcraft…but I am sure it would bore you. Other than that I am ok…

I want to add that my assault trial was very difficult and short..2 days… he was found guilty. However,  his punishment is on hold… because he is appealing.. this makes me sick… None of this makes me feel better or safe. I wonder how other people feel about this kind of stuff… More therapy I guess and I should be back to normal.. who knows when…